Or…The Dragon offers you an author’s Naughty New Year’s Top 10
Now, I will admit that this is a little bitter and fussy-sounding. It’s meant to be funny and cynical, not mean, so please don’t take it as a huge moanfest. It’s not… I've posted a nice and happy Top Ten List below, but I bet fellow authors won’t find it as funny as this one.
10. Send anonymous letters of rejection and chastisement to unscrupulous literary agents in various parts of the world. (Oh, yes, one of my author friends knows this was thought of for him.)
9. Write crappy poetry and send it to unscrupulous poetry contests without including their exorbitant entry fees, then cause them to spend lots of postage trying to get the fee.
8. Send spam to princes and princesses who don’t have bank accounts in Nigeria.
7. Send requests for proof of pharmaceutical license and/or ability to detect gender to companies trying to sell male enhancement drugs to females.
6. Put that funky exploding ink on bookmarks so people who pick them up from “the freebie pile” at author tables without even stopping to GLANCE at the books (or the author) will get about 10 paces outside of the book store/trade show and get a big inky surprise.
5. Write a new, crappy, bizarre, insane novella for a Publish America scandal so the old one can be put to rest. Because…wow…look at the publicity…
4. Find a calming meditation to chant when an author says it shouldn’t be his or her job to market or promote his or her book.
3. Find a calming meditation to chant when anyone says agents aren’t partners in promoting a project—also known as a book they plan to get paid a commission and royalty on.
2. Update the “I can’t go out because…” excuses for writing binges so friends and family don’t notice trends.
1. Send evil flying monkeys to the homes of people who said they’d review ARCs or hardcover books that cost the author money to produce/order and ship, and who then dropped off the face of the planet. (If there are that many evil flying monkeys left in the world…)
"Some days, you just want the dragon to win."
Tags: Top Ten, New Year's Resolutions, exploding ink, naughty new year's, evil flying monkeys