Today the Dragon Wins

"Today the Dragon Wins" offers information from Fantasy Author and Professional Editor Sandy Lender. You'll also find dragons, wizards, sorcerers, and other fantasy elements necessary for a fabulous story, if you know where to look...

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Sandy Lender is the editor of an international trade publication and the author of the fantasy novels Choices Meant for Gods and Choices Meant for Kings, available from ArcheBooks Publishing, and the series-supporting chapbook, What Choices We Made.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sandy Lender's Rules for Becoming a Successful Conquering Hero
Or...The Dragon couldn't leave the focus on the evil bad guys

In yesterday's blog, I gave a link to a fabulous list of "dos" and "don'ts" called "Guide to Becoming an Evil Overlord" from Peter Anspach. It had me practically cracking up in front of my computer. I received several e-mails thanking me for the heads-up about it. (see the link in yesterday's posts if you missed it)

True to form, though, my knight in shining armor, Nigel Taiman, got his nose a little bent out of shape. Seems he's so adverse to the evil bad guys in my fantasy novel Choices Meant for Gods and so "keen on" the lovely heroine, Amanda Chariss, that he felt giving that much attention to bad guys was in poor taste.

Fine.

So today's list is all for my hero, Nigel. Darling, here are the top ten rules I came up with for Becoming a Successful Conquering Hero. If I were a knight in shining armor, or even a kick-ass warrior princess in training, these are the rules I'd live by to make sure I lived (and the evil overlord didn't).

1) My Army of Happy Good Guys (pronounced "Ahgg" by the surprised and gurgling-with-death evil overlord) would wear similar protective visors as the evil overlord's Legions of Terror…something built to hurricane code down here in Florida, yet see-through.
2) I will employ cute, furry mice to carry information through ventilation ducts that members of my AHGG can't get through. I will train them not to squeak when in precarious positions. (Think Disney's Mousetrap; those critters can be conniving.)
3) Shooting is an acceptable execution method for an evil overlord. In fact, I will shoot him between the eyes the moment I see him. No discourse; no explanation of crap; no chance to confuse me with family tree nonsense.
4) If the evil overlord manages to blurt out that he/she is an ancestor of mine, I will assume he or she is lying to save his or her skin and proceed with Plan A (see #3). Genealogy can be sorted out and wept over later, if weeping is necessary.
5) I will never believe anything the evil overlord tells me (in person, on the phone, in e-mail, in some other communiqué), but will, as soon as I see him, shoot him between the eyes.
6) The same shooting concept is true for all the evil overlord's Legions of Terror members. In fact, anyone seen wearing an evil overlord's uniform will be uniformly shot between the eyes. If wearing his helmet with the fancy plexiglass visor, the helmet will first be removed, and then he will be shot between the eyes.
7) One of my advisors will be an ice-cream vendor whose sole purpose is to distract the evil overlord's five-year-old advisor.
8) If captured by the evil overlord and he assumes he can marry me or some such nonsense to "get me on his side," I'll castrate him with a utensil from the dining table the first chance I get. While he's whimpering and attempting to stop the gushing of blood, I'll grab his gun and shoot him between the eyes. :)
9) I will carry power crystals that can become alcoves or protruding structures in clean, otherwise empty corridors for the unexpected yet often-occurring firefight during my escapes from evil overlord lairs.
10) I will never trust signage in an evil overlord's lair, but will rely on intel gathered by the cute, furry mice.

So it's not a long list. I'm on a tight schedule here. I figure it's good to give the Conquering Hero a few props.
"Some days, I just want the dragon to shoot the evil overlord between the eyes."
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2 Comments:

Blogger Laura M. Crawford said...

ROFLMAO!!! I love #3! and the ice cream vendor to distract his five-year-old advisor. Brilliant!

I am notifying everyone to read your version. It will be going through the Internet, since it's still way too cold for any cute, furry mice to carry messages here in Minnesota. LOL!!!

Laura :)

2:03 AM  
Blogger Sandy Lender said...

Hey, Laura!
I'm glad you were entertained! Are you ready for tomorrow's meme? Bwuahahahaha!

Sandy L.
"Some days, I just want the dragon to win."

10:23 AM  

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